World Bipolar Day

In response to:
http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1822-hospitals-dont-help-5-weird-realities-bipolar-disorder.html

Happy World Bipolar Day! I guess. I’ve been in and out of therapy and on and off meds for the past 25 years, and none of the medications helped at all, and none of the therapy helped at all. I can’t afford therapy anymore and I don’t think I’m currently in a mental place where I am able to really talk to anyone, including therapists, so I feel like it would be a waste of time and money to continue at this point.

As for #4, that’s what made me drop out of college: I was unable to leave my room or talk to anyone, I stopped eating and eventually was taken to the hospital by ambulance when I gathered the strength to call 911 on myself. I also don’t have a valid photo ID because I haven’t had my photo taken since 2006 (my passport just expired in January though). This was complicated by hormonal problems and skin problems, but they also sent in a psychiatrist a couple times.

>>Being bipolar makes you hyper-sensitive to everything your co-workers say about it or mental illness in general.<< I would add "hypersensitve to EVERYTHING," full stop, personally, but only while in a mixed episode. >>My most common manic behavior is “manic spending.”<< This, so much. JFC. My spending has not been as out of control lately as it had been in summer/fall, though, but it's a constant struggle. I'm either spending all my money or I'm thinking of ways to stop being sober. On a different note, I sometimes get irritated when people tell me how "normal" I seem. I can fake it pretty well, yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm a bit fucked up, miserably, and suffering from it most of the time to various degrees, so it seems a bit insulting just because it's dismissive, like it's not a big deal. It has completely fucked up every single aspect of my life. I would consider that a big fucking deal.

I went to another specialist

Today I saw the urologist about the kidney stone, which, as it turns out, are on both sides. They probably have been there a while. I can remember having the same kind of pain last summer but I didn’t know what it was. He also said there were 3 healed spinal fractures that showed up that I didn’t even know about from the osteoporosis.

Being in pain and having additional health problems sort of contributes to my foul mood, though, and very much gives me mortality-related issues, especially with the bleeding profusely from places that aren’t ever supposed to bleed. The hydrocodone was also putting me in a very unpleasant state of mind, but at least it decreased the pain. The tramadol does nothing at all for the pain, which also sucks.

I guess I’m just sitting around now, waiting for the stones to pass, and they are probably too big to pass which means they’ll get stuck. If they get stuck, I’ll probably be in horrible pain and it will clog things up in there so I need emergency surgery, which also causes me some anxiety.

More reasons I don’t like Facebook

Another reason I don’t like Facebook is because things like this come up (from explosm.net):
withoutsex
I’m sure it’s been at least 15 years, maybe a bit more. Not just comics, of course, but I mean every time I see other people posting photos and updates on their Facebook it reminds me that I don’t have a normal life.

For at least five years, the medications caused me to have no sex drive, which was very nice. Before that, I guess I just never figured out how to initiate relationships, or had bad luck. Any time I expressed interest in another person, they would say they were not interested in me. This bothered me a lot and I’m sure I made posts on my Livejournal about it. I liked Livejournal so much better than Facebook. Not just the anonymity, but the fact that you saw every single post that each of your friends made, in chronological order.

People suggested things like dating sites, and I did have some dating profiles up maybe 10 or 12 years ago. No one contacted me through them, so I decided you probably need to be good looking or fabulously wealthy or successful to meet people on the internet.

Now I’m older and even less good looking/successful, and my mental illnesses make it hard for me to leave the house at all. I can’t drive so I can’t travel. These things mean I also can’t meet people in real life, not to mention I wouldn’t know what to do with a significant other if I had one; I have almost no experience with sex and no experience at all with relationships.

I try not to think about it too much, but Facebook makes that hard. It’s hard for me not to compare myself to other people. That’s why I prefer to use internet forums about specific topics (movies, music, etc.) rather than deal with Facebook, where there is no way to know what people are going to be posting about. I can’t think of anything in the world that could be worse for my mental health than Facebook, yet I still feel compelled to go there because it’s taken over the internet. It’s like Walmart coming to town and all the local businesses close down. Facebook happened and people left most internet forums and stopped using email. I am still working on transitioning to only using internet forums and not looking at my Facebook newsfeed, but it’s difficult. It’s like an addiction, especially since it’s so convenient and because I work on the computer so I’m online all day anyway. I am often tempted to check Facebook during slow times between work projects.

In addition to that, I really hate all the memes about the idea that happiness is a choice, or to cut negative people out of your life. Maybe that’s why people don’t talk to me anymore; I’m too negative. I can’t really help it, though, due to circumstances and mental illness. I think it’s kind of shitty, like telling people if others are having a bad time, just cut those people out of your life instead of trying to be understanding. I don’t expect people to want to listen to me complaining all the time, and that’s another reason I am not able to talk to people out loud, in real life (even therapists). I don’t want to bug anyone. But that’s what I used Facebook for, and I feel like these memes are trying to make me feel like a bad person for it.

Many times when I look at Facebook I either get angry or start crying. The pain medications I’m on right now are also doing terrible things to my state of mind, and I spent most of last night staying awake crying for no particular reason. The pain from the kidney stones isn’t doing anything good for me either, and I guess I have 3 fractured vertebrae and that’s another reason I’m in pain all the time, which also contributes to my shitty mood and general sense of despair. When the kidney stone was hurting especially badly and causing me to vomit from the pain for a few days (before going to the hospital), I spent about 10 hours curled up next to the toilet, thinking this is all I have to look forward to in life. Pain and sickness. And it’s only going to get worse as I get older. And then I laughed about it a bit.

I deactivated my Facebook again

I sometimes feel like I’m being held hostage by Facebook, but I decided that, if I feel deactivating is good for my mental health, I should deactivate. A lot of people act like I’d be unreachable, but I have quite a few websites, including one with my name in the domain. Many people have my email, some have my phone number, many know what my websites are (if not this one, then the others). So when people say “I will miss you,” what I hear is: “I don’t even care about you enough to spend the time it takes to write a text message or email. I can’t be bothered communicating with you unless you use a site that you passionately hate.” And if I’m not worth the time it takes to write an email to me, then I figure, they aren’t worth my time, either.

It’s more of the same shit I’ve done my entire life: continued to do things I hated and be around people I don’t like just because otherwise, there would be no people in my life. I don’t care anymore. If there aren’t any people in my life, that’s fine. That’s better than being subjected to things that upset me all the time. And Facebook does upset me a lot more than it should, especially since having more mixed and manic episodes since last summer

I think it’s partly just laziness, though; people are used to not having to write emails anymore. I don’t care. I’m sick to death of Facebook. I’m not going to keep using it just because it’s convenient for other people.

I had a page for this blog on there, but Facebook only shows posts to 10% of followers anyway, and probably not that many unless they interact with the posts in some way (liking, sharing, commenting). I think I only ever had one post “like” on there, so I doubt anyone even sees the links I posts on that page, so it’s no big deal that the page doesn’t exist anymore since I deactivated my personal page.

Additionally, I think it’s nice to have to practice some sort of restraint with writing on the internet. If I post here, I feel compelled to write in full paragraphs and to more or less stay on topic. Facebook encourages people to either share things from other people, or to post one-sentence statuses fishing for “likes.” As stated before, people never really like or comment on my posts, probably because of either my attitude problem or the fact that I write entire paragraphs (often on disturbing on controversial topics). I never really integrated into the culture of Facebook, I suppose. I used it for things it wasn’t designed to be used for (discussion, posts with more than two sentences, etc.).

Sexual orientation

This is a reaction to reading this article: http://lgbtfeed.com/post/comments_bisexuals_are_tired_of_hearing

I find these articles interesting partly because of my own internalized biphobia, which I think I am getting over, but I was certainly in denial about for many years. I can remember being attracted to girls long before I ever had a crush on a boy in school. So I figure either I had my own internalized homophobia or biphobia, or I also just believed bisexuals didn’t exist. Of course, being on medications that erased anything resembling attraction or libido also complicated matters so that I identified as asexual for several years.

I don’t really think I could do relationships, and if I could, I certainly wouldn’t be in a rush to do so any time soon, but in theory I would like to have some idea of my orientation eventually.

“It’s just a phase.”

Translation: “I know your sexuality better than you do.”

As for the article, I have told myself #1: “It’s just a phase.” I figured if men weren’t interested in me, maybe I was “settling” for women. I now think that was a horrible and homophobic thing to say.

I also had the additional problem of thinking yes, maybe other people *do* know my sexuality better than I do! Because I sure as hell didn’t know much about it.

3. “You have to like one more than the other.”

Translation: “Stop being greedy; you can’t like both genders equally.”

#3: Yes, that too, and that’s part of the reason I didn’t use the word “bisexual” for a long time: I’m not attracted to equal numbers of men and women. I figured if I was attracted to men more often, maybe I was really heterosexual and confused or something.

The other ones don’t apply to me. Since I never really told much of anyone, I never had to deal with any of the stigma of people thinking I was promiscuous or whatever. In fact, since I am perpetually single, I’m pretty sure no one would think of me as promiscuous at all (I’m pretty sure people think of me as celibate and/or asexual).

Other health-related stuff

I figure if I’ve been in a foul mood, it must have been at least partly due to the undiagnosed kidney stones I’ve apparently had for at 6 months. I told my doctor I was pissing blood numerous times, but they never found anything and no one but me seemed concerned. This past Sunday I went to the emergency room because I couldn’t deal with the pain anymore; it was making me vomit all the time and I couldn’t keep food or pills down. They did a CT scan and found a 5mm kidney stone. I don’t see the urologist for a few days, though. I’ve been feeling pretty nice and calm from all the pain meds since then, though, but that’ll only be for a few more days.

Other than that, I am very concerned about what all of this is going to cost and that is causing me a bit of anxiety. I thought I was going to cry in the ER. Not from the pain in my kidney, but from the worrying about money. I haven’t spent much on silly things lately, either. I bought a few records but nothing extraordinarily expensive.

I’m back, I think

I spent the past several days heavily intoxicated. I figured it was an appropriate time for another midlife crisis, I suppose. I think I’ve more or less come to terms with the idea that nothing is ever going to change. The bipolar symptoms are not likely to get any better while I am still on prednisone, and I am not likely to be on less prednisone, since nothing else seems to work for my skin. My doctors have never really taken me seriously when I say it fucks me up in the head, and I am apparently unable or unwilling to talk to therapists (and can’t really afford that anymore anyway, but if I could, I still don’t see any point in it). It was a pretty bad week or so, but that’s pretty normal around my birthday.

Birthdays

I’m not very fond of birthdays. I usually deactivate my Facebook and hide my actual birthday on there, but I decided not to this year. My Facebook wall can’t be posted on, I don’t think. I changed my settings to avoid a bunch of “happy birthday” posts. I do post on other people’s walls to be polite and because it’s expected.

I’m just going to stay away from Facebook. That shouldn’t be too hard to do since I got the DNS problem with my blog fixed. Sometimes (not always), I would get cards from my grandparents on my birthday in previous years. Now, 3 out my 4 grandparents have died and I don’t really expect cards and gifts anyway. I can’t even remember the last time I got an actual birthday gift, but it was probably well over a decade ago. I don’t miss those, either; I always found giving and receiving gifts a bit awkward. I honestly couldn’t think of anything I’d want and have too much junk anyway. I was never much good at giving gifts, either.

Birthdays just remind me that even more time has passed with me not accomplishing anything at all in life besides getting sicker and deeper in debt. I don’t really get upset on birthdays anymore, it’s just that it’s just another day without any significance to me.

A short post summing up why I dislike Facebook

I have been reading up more on corticosteroids and mental illness, but I’m not going to post about that today. I’m going to make a short post which sums up why I am not making long posts on Facebook anymore.

When I spend 45+ minutes writing and thinking about a post, no one ever responds to it in any way. And then it disappears from everyone’s feed anyway.

When I spend 4.5 seconds reposting nonsense about people eating from fake asses in Japan, people respond to it right away.

ass

And that’s why I won’t be spending any time on anything I post on Facebook from this point on. Not only do people not read or respond to it, but Facebook keeps most people from seeing any given post, anyway, so it’s a horrendous waste of my time to put any effort into posting there.

I’m not disrespecting the people on my friends list, I’m just pointing out that this is the type of interaction that Facebook encourages.