People tend to say to focus on positive things, but this is problematic when you can’t come up with any positive things to focus on. Everything is completely fucked up. I am legitimately struggling to find anything positive to focus on. In addition to that, I do also have the feeling that negative emotions are normal in response to negative circumstances, and I don’t think denial is necessarily a good thing, either.
I kind of feel like my personality and self-awareness were completely out to lunch for several years there. There was nothing other than denial/lack of awareness. That wasn’t good either, but there was no sense of struggling.
Getting out of the house doesn’t help; it just further fucks up my sense of time and keeps me from doing the things I need to do, like dealing with health problems and making money. It causes me great anxiety and stress. My sense of time is still quite abnormal and I have trouble getting even a few useful things done in a day. I force myself to do things now, like drawing and attempting to get a somewhat decent portfolio put together. I make myself play piano/guitar/violin to focus on something and to pass some of the time in a somewhat meaningful way. On occasion, I drink too much and spend too much money. I think I’ve bought 3 DVDs, a few records, and about 20 CDs this week.
I am not seeing anything getting better in the future, and that fucks me up a bit, I guess.
Suddenly I’ve just lost the urge to communicate with people online or off, so I am probably going to be absent in various places. I am trying to spend some time on my own forum, and that’s about it. I’ve mainly been updating my FB, which I reactivated, when I have new projects finished or things for sale on my etsy. I just sort of don’t give a shit and don’t want to talk to anyone.
This isn’t a bad thing; I’ve been getting a lot of things done; physical things, quantifiable progress being made. This has been a much better week than the weeks prior to this.
Some things I notice are that I am overly critical of my own work, though, and all human contact tends to annoy and frustrate me, except in small quantities. People just seem so shitty to each other and I guess I don’t feel the urge to be shitty to people all the time. People also seem very moody and unpredictable in a bad way.
I don’t think I’ve ever taken out anger on another person toward whom it wasn’t directed, and it seems that many or most other people do that all the time. They wake up in a bad mood and are shitty to everybody, no matter what, no matter how those people treat them. I can’t do that, I’m not programmed that way, and I find it very upsetting. I figure the best thing I can do is cut off most or all contact with people, online and off, until I feel like I have gained a larger tolerance for everyone being a shithead all the time. I don’t even care if they’re a shithead to me or not, I feel the same when they’re unreasonable shitheads to other people. In many ways, I have a very low opinion of humanity.
I’m sure there are many wonderful people out there, but they are very hard to find, and I don’t have the time or energy to do so.
I deactivated my Facebook again; it’s just too much noise. Sick of seeing all the bullshit. I am trying to cultivate some peace and quiet.
The last month or so has been pretty bad and I just can’t deal with communicating with people right now.