8/24/16: Overspending on CDs, rambling about Werner Herzog

Doing away with my personal Facebook account has been great. I feel like I’ve eliminated a lot of chaos, bullshit, and hostility from my life. I probably spent too much money this week, but I also made a lot more money last week, so it all balances out in the end.

I ended up getting a box set of Metallica’s entire discography. I’m not sure I’ll ever even listen to any of the stuff that came after Load, but it was cheap and used and maybe I’ve finally forgiven them for disappointing me in 1995 (by releasing Load). I also got 3 more Scott Walker CDs, including the one he did with Sunn O))), which I haven’t heard but it seemed like a good idea at the time. (Still waiting for those to come in the mail.) I got 3 of The Stooges’ albums, too, because I only have their stuff on vinyl. Some of it was really cheap new on Amazon. And a 5-CD Roxy Music set. I have mixed feelings about Roxy Music, but it was cheap, too. I think that’s it.

On the one hand, it’s overspending; on the other, some of it’s replacing stuff I used to have an sold, like some of the Scott Walker and Stooges stuff. I got a used 6-DVD box set of Werner Herzog films also. There are several of those, I think there are 2 with documentaries, then there is one of films with Klaus Kinski (this is the one I bought) and another 6-DVD set of non-Kinski Herzog films.

It took me forever to get around to watching Grizzly Man, I don’t know why. I’m not sure I’d watch some of his documentaries again. I loved the On Death Row series and Into the Abyss was decent, too. I’ve been trying to talk other people into watching From One Moment to the Next every time people mention texting and driving. It’s on YouTube, last I checked, and it’s terribly grim. I was really high when I first watched On Death Row (there are 4 episodes) and I probably like it better due to sympathizing with Herzog’s views on capital punishment.

Anyway, not much going on here. Buying things, watching movies, listening to music, mostly.

8/21/16

Things are a bit calmer after deactivating my Facebook, but that still doesn’t solve the larger problem that I am in a situation that I cannot cope with. The corticosteroids exacerbate the bipolar disorder to the point where I have trouble coping from one minute to the next, and yet, there is no easy solution, because (1) no other drugs help with the skin, and (2) the adrenal insufficiency means I can’t stop taking the ‘roids, anyway.

Additionally, I’m back at a point where time seems to be moving very quickly. I blink and suddenly 2 weeks have passed. I have trouble making necessary phone calls, making doctor appointments, filling out paperwork. And I have trouble communicating all this to doctors.

Social media, work, and being reachable online all the time

I deactivated my Facebook again, then reactivated and deactivated again. It’s not that I hate everything about social media, but some days I just don’t want anyone to contact me and I don’t want to know what other people are thinking or doing. I think I just miss the times in the past when you could turn it all off. If you came home from school, work, or a friend’s house, then you were able to move on and focus on other things. These days, I’m trying to do my work and Chrome is displaying Facebook notifications. Yes, I figured out how to turn that off, but it’s only a small part of the problem.

Here is the problem, essentially: I don’t want to be available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don’t want people to send me private messages and then get mad when I don’t respond right away. Sometimes, I don’t want to know every single though passing through everyone’s mind. I often wish I could just move to a cave in the woods for a while and experience something like peace and quiet and being left alone.

My work doesn’t help much, either because I’m a freelancer. I am constantly either working, or looking for more work, checking to see if anyone’s contacted me about work, etc. If I wake up in the middle of the night with a dry mouth, I check for work before getting a glass of water. I seem unable to get away from it. I often don’t leave the house because that could mean missing out on possible work.

I’ve been so stressed out that I’m once again having trouble doing things like opening my mail and making necessary phone calls, such as for doctor appointments. I could go back into therapy, but I am too pessimistic to do so. I don’t have any energy. I feel like if I go back, that’s just one more thing I will need to make time for, and that it will likely result in just going around in circles for years like it did last time. For now, I just want to take a break from communicating with people at all.