December is still a shit month

I got a Fitbit Charge 2 which is kind of fun, and I wanted a watch. My anxiety has been through the roof these past few days, though, and the Fitbit tells me my pulse rate has been very high, also.

I get the feeling like time moves too fast and I have no extra time at all. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have an extra ten minutes per day to do anything I might want to do. I’m too wound up trying to get work done and other things done, and make phone calls, and worry about doctors, that that’s all there is every day, and it wears on me after a while. I have no idea how other people find time to hang out with their friends or talk on the phone or whatever it is that real people do.

I was completely panicking yesterday because I had a painting that needed done ASAP, and was up all night working on that, then looking for more work, then wandering around town to the post office, etc. I’m thinking I should just take a few days off of everything and not even turn on the computer or phone. Of course, that will just add to my guilt when it comes to not getting enough things done, continuing to put off important phone calls, and so on, so I’m not sure if it’ll help at all.

It’s also been really cold out and that makes me not want to go outside much. Can’t walk the dogs much or very long, since we’ve had a wind chill factor of -11F. I’ve enjoyed the snow shoveling this year, though, but it just reminds me that I’ve forgotten to fix the gate in the yard. It needs a couple more screws in it, and it would be nice to do that on a dry, warmer day.

But in general, it feels like all the distant black clouds that have been following me for years are directly overhead and pissing all over me at the moment.

December has also been a shit month

Last month I was ready to say November was the worst month in recent memory, but December might take that spot, I’m not sure yet. I did figure out the shit with the dermatologist and it will be taken care of as of tomorrow. The other shit involved two massive clouds of doom. One is financial (and could potentially be helped by looking into loan forgiveness). The other led to me discussing previous suicide attempts with my mom while in the car the other day, because I am not likely to get better, and if I do, not any time soon. The main problem is the cognitive deficits. I can’t think right, my thinking is impaired, my impulse control is impaired, my ability to plan ahead is nonexistent. I stopped going to therapists when I realized the problems were largely neurological, not psychological, and that therapy wasn’t helping and drugs probably wouldn’t, either. Only getting off the current meds would help, and that’s not possible right now due to adrenal insufficiency. I was reading something yesterday written by a binge drinker on why he drinks and it resonated a bit with me. I don’t drink much, but I do binge drink and I do it because there is no way out. It is all doom and decay and an inability to think straight, and if I’m too sober all the time I am unable to psychologically cope with reality. If you don’t understand that, good for you, it either means your reality is ok, or that you cope with it better than I do.