On not leaving the house

Especially with having thousands of dollars of new medical bills, I feel like I have to spend every waking moment looking for ways to make money. I feel guilty if I even leave for 30 minutes to go to the store or do anything that’s not absolutely necessary.

I’m not sure how much of it is being practical and how much of it is self-punishment. I feel like if I have trouble even paying all my bills, I don’t deserve to do anything that might be considered fun.

I’ve been too stressed out about money to post much lately.

I’ve been too stressed out about money to post much lately. After the kidney surgery, I’ve gotten a bunch of bills I have no idea how I am going to pay and this has caused me to have trouble sleeping very well. I haven’t been drinking at all because I can’t afford it. I also haven’t bought much of anything from Ebay or Amazon, so that’s good, I guess. Things have been pretty unremarkable lately, other than that.

I’m having problems with overspending again

I bought way too many records, sheet music books, other books, etc. on ebay and amazon this week. I’m having problems with impulse control. Granted, these are all things I would’ve wanted to buy anyway, but it would be better to buy things in moderation rather than, say, spending hundreds of dollars on just records in a single week.
A couple weeks ago I swore up and down that I wasn’t even going to buy that picture disc (released on Record Store day), but then I found it for a bit cheaper. I also bought other Record Store Day re-releases.
I’ve spent more than $100 this week just on books related to David Bowie, and I’ve also gotten other books and a buttload of CDs. [*headdesk*]

In addition to all that, I’ve been drinking too much and I often start crying for no good reason. I’ve been having a terrible time sleeping, too.

People giving me advice on coping with bipolar disorder

Somebody told me again that I probably just need good sex and that would help with my problems with having a high sex drive. That might work for other people, but considering that I tried to most of the past 16 years or so to get someone, anyone, to have sex with me, I don’t think it would be reasonable for me to assume I will be able to have sex again anytime in the future. I certainly wouldn’t consider it healthy for me to get my hopes up, anyway, because that would be setting myself up for failure. It’s possible that I will never really get over that, the fact that people don’t seem to find me sexually attractive, but I think I also need to be realistic about things. And I do hate the idea that I “need” sex, (this person’s words, not mine) because I find it highly unlikely that I will ever get any. There was a time when i was in more of a depressed episode and didn’t really care, though, but it’s impossible to predict these things.

It is a difficult symptom of my bipolar disorder, and no drugs or anything seem to help with it. But like they said in The Princess Bride, “life is pain,” I suppose.

I think people just say that because they assume anyone/most people are able to find sexual partners. I’ve had people actually suggest that I hire prostitutes, but I would not be comfortable with that and am too afraid of STDs.

I suppose it annoys people when I complain, but I don’t really care. If they find me annoying, they can stop talking to me, I guess.

I reactivated my Facebook

Woohoo. Additionally, I don’t like the inability to use HTML (or, in the case of forums, BBCode) because that makes it difficult to have any control over the way you refer to things outside of Facebook. But that’s neither here nor there. I think a good way to go would be just to unsubscribe from all the humans and only see stuff from groups. I’d like FB if it was just, say, the 60s/70s vintage advertisement group and the David Bowie group (which migrated from an actual website). It’s the real people posting random, unpredictable stuff that I don’t like. I like to see things posted in categories, and this doesn’t happen on Facebook.

I have been trying to move to other places on the internet. It’s nice to interact with people sometimes, but it’s too difficult for me to do that on Facebook. Anytime I try, usually by commenting on people’s posts, I am ignored. This often leads to me deleting the person because I don’t see any point in being FB “friends” with people who completely refuse to talk to me.

I also enjoy that forums, in addition to usually being based on a specific topic, feel less like a popularity contest. There are usually fewer people posting photos of themselves, fishing for compliments, etc. (Posting photos of myself is extremely terrifying for me, and bad for my self-esteem. Another reason I don’t leave the house is because people often think it’s ok to just take/post photos without asking me.)

This has been a terrible month for a number of reasons. I seem to have forgotten that it’s not necessary to be drunk or otherwise intoxicated every day. There is just sort of a cloud of despair that follows me around. I’ve been having anxiety-type nightmares. Yesterday I dreamed I was just standing in the kitchen, screaming as loud as I could. Not out of fear, just from being fed up with life and everything in it.

World Bipolar Day

In response to:

Happy World Bipolar Day! I guess. I’ve been in and out of therapy and on and off meds for the past 25 years, and none of the medications helped at all, and none of the therapy helped at all. I can’t afford therapy anymore and I don’t think I’m currently in a mental place where I am able to really talk to anyone, including therapists, so I feel like it would be a waste of time and money to continue at this point.

As for #4, that’s what made me drop out of college: I was unable to leave my room or talk to anyone, I stopped eating and eventually was taken to the hospital by ambulance when I gathered the strength to call 911 on myself. I also don’t have a valid photo ID because I haven’t had my photo taken since 2006 (my passport just expired in January though). This was complicated by hormonal problems and skin problems, but they also sent in a psychiatrist a couple times.

>>Being bipolar makes you hyper-sensitive to everything your co-workers say about it or mental illness in general.<< I would add "hypersensitve to EVERYTHING," full stop, personally, but only while in a mixed episode. >>My most common manic behavior is “manic spending.”<< This, so much. JFC. My spending has not been as out of control lately as it had been in summer/fall, though, but it's a constant struggle. I'm either spending all my money or I'm thinking of ways to stop being sober. On a different note, I sometimes get irritated when people tell me how "normal" I seem. I can fake it pretty well, yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm a bit fucked up, miserably, and suffering from it most of the time to various degrees, so it seems a bit insulting just because it's dismissive, like it's not a big deal. It has completely fucked up every single aspect of my life. I would consider that a big fucking deal.

I went to another specialist

Today I saw the urologist about the kidney stone, which, as it turns out, are on both sides. They probably have been there a while. I can remember having the same kind of pain last summer but I didn’t know what it was. He also said there were 3 healed spinal fractures that showed up that I didn’t even know about from the osteoporosis.

Being in pain and having additional health problems sort of contributes to my foul mood, though, and very much gives me mortality-related issues, especially with the bleeding profusely from places that aren’t ever supposed to bleed. The hydrocodone was also putting me in a very unpleasant state of mind, but at least it decreased the pain. The tramadol does nothing at all for the pain, which also sucks.

I guess I’m just sitting around now, waiting for the stones to pass, and they are probably too big to pass which means they’ll get stuck. If they get stuck, I’ll probably be in horrible pain and it will clog things up in there so I need emergency surgery, which also causes me some anxiety.

More reasons I don’t like Facebook

Another reason I don’t like Facebook is because things like this come up (from explosm.net):
I’m sure it’s been at least 15 years, maybe a bit more. Not just comics, of course, but I mean every time I see other people posting photos and updates on their Facebook it reminds me that I don’t have a normal life.

For at least five years, the medications caused me to have no sex drive, which was very nice. Before that, I guess I just never figured out how to initiate relationships, or had bad luck. Any time I expressed interest in another person, they would say they were not interested in me. This bothered me a lot and I’m sure I made posts on my Livejournal about it. I liked Livejournal so much better than Facebook. Not just the anonymity, but the fact that you saw every single post that each of your friends made, in chronological order.

People suggested things like dating sites, and I did have some dating profiles up maybe 10 or 12 years ago. No one contacted me through them, so I decided you probably need to be good looking or fabulously wealthy or successful to meet people on the internet.

Now I’m older and even less good looking/successful, and my mental illnesses make it hard for me to leave the house at all. I can’t drive so I can’t travel. These things mean I also can’t meet people in real life, not to mention I wouldn’t know what to do with a significant other if I had one; I have almost no experience with sex and no experience at all with relationships.

I try not to think about it too much, but Facebook makes that hard. It’s hard for me not to compare myself to other people. That’s why I prefer to use internet forums about specific topics (movies, music, etc.) rather than deal with Facebook, where there is no way to know what people are going to be posting about. I can’t think of anything in the world that could be worse for my mental health than Facebook, yet I still feel compelled to go there because it’s taken over the internet. It’s like Walmart coming to town and all the local businesses close down. Facebook happened and people left most internet forums and stopped using email. I am still working on transitioning to only using internet forums and not looking at my Facebook newsfeed, but it’s difficult. It’s like an addiction, especially since it’s so convenient and because I work on the computer so I’m online all day anyway. I am often tempted to check Facebook during slow times between work projects.

In addition to that, I really hate all the memes about the idea that happiness is a choice, or to cut negative people out of your life. Maybe that’s why people don’t talk to me anymore; I’m too negative. I can’t really help it, though, due to circumstances and mental illness. I think it’s kind of shitty, like telling people if others are having a bad time, just cut those people out of your life instead of trying to be understanding. I don’t expect people to want to listen to me complaining all the time, and that’s another reason I am not able to talk to people out loud, in real life (even therapists). I don’t want to bug anyone. But that’s what I used Facebook for, and I feel like these memes are trying to make me feel like a bad person for it.

Many times when I look at Facebook I either get angry or start crying. The pain medications I’m on right now are also doing terrible things to my state of mind, and I spent most of last night staying awake crying for no particular reason. The pain from the kidney stones isn’t doing anything good for me either, and I guess I have 3 fractured vertebrae and that’s another reason I’m in pain all the time, which also contributes to my shitty mood and general sense of despair. When the kidney stone was hurting especially badly and causing me to vomit from the pain for a few days (before going to the hospital), I spent about 10 hours curled up next to the toilet, thinking this is all I have to look forward to in life. Pain and sickness. And it’s only going to get worse as I get older. And then I laughed about it a bit.

I deactivated my Facebook again

I sometimes feel like I’m being held hostage by Facebook, but I decided that, if I feel deactivating is good for my mental health, I should deactivate. A lot of people act like I’d be unreachable, but I have quite a few websites, including one with my name in the domain. Many people have my email, some have my phone number, many know what my websites are (if not this one, then the others). So when people say “I will miss you,” what I hear is: “I don’t even care about you enough to spend the time it takes to write a text message or email. I can’t be bothered communicating with you unless you use a site that you passionately hate.” And if I’m not worth the time it takes to write an email to me, then I figure, they aren’t worth my time, either.

It’s more of the same shit I’ve done my entire life: continued to do things I hated and be around people I don’t like just because otherwise, there would be no people in my life. I don’t care anymore. If there aren’t any people in my life, that’s fine. That’s better than being subjected to things that upset me all the time. And Facebook does upset me a lot more than it should, especially since having more mixed and manic episodes since last summer

I think it’s partly just laziness, though; people are used to not having to write emails anymore. I don’t care. I’m sick to death of Facebook. I’m not going to keep using it just because it’s convenient for other people.

I had a page for this blog on there, but Facebook only shows posts to 10% of followers anyway, and probably not that many unless they interact with the posts in some way (liking, sharing, commenting). I think I only ever had one post “like” on there, so I doubt anyone even sees the links I posts on that page, so it’s no big deal that the page doesn’t exist anymore since I deactivated my personal page.

Additionally, I think it’s nice to have to practice some sort of restraint with writing on the internet. If I post here, I feel compelled to write in full paragraphs and to more or less stay on topic. Facebook encourages people to either share things from other people, or to post one-sentence statuses fishing for “likes.” As stated before, people never really like or comment on my posts, probably because of either my attitude problem or the fact that I write entire paragraphs (often on disturbing on controversial topics). I never really integrated into the culture of Facebook, I suppose. I used it for things it wasn’t designed to be used for (discussion, posts with more than two sentences, etc.).

Sexual orientation

This is a reaction to reading this article: http://lgbtfeed.com/post/comments_bisexuals_are_tired_of_hearing

I find these articles interesting partly because of my own internalized biphobia, which I think I am getting over, but I was certainly in denial about for many years. I can remember being attracted to girls long before I ever had a crush on a boy in school. So I figure either I had my own internalized homophobia or biphobia, or I also just believed bisexuals didn’t exist. Of course, being on medications that erased anything resembling attraction or libido also complicated matters so that I identified as asexual for several years.

I don’t really think I could do relationships, and if I could, I certainly wouldn’t be in a rush to do so any time soon, but in theory I would like to have some idea of my orientation eventually.

“It’s just a phase.”

Translation: “I know your sexuality better than you do.”

As for the article, I have told myself #1: “It’s just a phase.” I figured if men weren’t interested in me, maybe I was “settling” for women. I now think that was a horrible and homophobic thing to say.

I also had the additional problem of thinking yes, maybe other people *do* know my sexuality better than I do! Because I sure as hell didn’t know much about it.

3. “You have to like one more than the other.”

Translation: “Stop being greedy; you can’t like both genders equally.”

#3: Yes, that too, and that’s part of the reason I didn’t use the word “bisexual” for a long time: I’m not attracted to equal numbers of men and women. I figured if I was attracted to men more often, maybe I was really heterosexual and confused or something.

The other ones don’t apply to me. Since I never really told much of anyone, I never had to deal with any of the stigma of people thinking I was promiscuous or whatever. In fact, since I am perpetually single, I’m pretty sure no one would think of me as promiscuous at all (I’m pretty sure people think of me as celibate and/or asexual).