Rambling about the past few months

The doctors don’t want me on so much prednisone, so they cut it down quite a bit and I ended up with all my skin falling off and a full-body staph infection in October. That stressed me out quite a bit. They also tend to want me to jump through various hoops just to get my pills, which, in addition to keeping the skin under control, also keep me alive since I have adrenal insufficiency. This stresses me out even more.

In theory, I’d be happy to be on less prednisone. As I mentioned to my therapist, when I still had one, I feel like I am intoxicated on drugs 24 hours a day. Part of this is due to the meds exacerbating the mania, but part of it is just the drugs themselves. The beauty of recreational “fun” drugs like LSD and pot is that you can enjoy them a while, and then eventually they wear off and you can go back to your normal life and your normal functioning without any impairment. While corticosteroids are not “fun” drugs, the brainfog and the feeling of impairment is real obstacle that stresses me out and ruins my life every single day.

In addition to that, there is a feeling of doom hanging over me at all times, and a disconnect from the rest of humanity. In general, I feel like there is no way out of my situation and things will just continue to get worse until I eventually drop dead. I have been in such a godawful place psychologically that not only am I unable to talk about it with people, I can’t even type anything about it here. I can’t even easily work through it inside my head because I feel like I should just wallow in the brainfog and denial because I don’t want to face my own thoughts.

I have reduced my stress somewhat by not looking at my Facebook newsfeed anymore (I have a few groups I look at and maintain bookmarked, but for now, I am not looking at my newsfeed for any reason. Until I am less stressed out by it.) I am not deactivating, but I have also made two accounts, one for family and one for nonfamily. All of this makes Facebook a less threatening place for me, and I don’t think it should be a cause of stress.

Other than that, I just finished a huge work project and may take a few days off from work to do things like watch movies and read books.

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