Mania and overspending

While manic, I tend to overspend. I am prone to excesses of many kinds, but I tend to allow the spending most of the time because it’s the one excessive thing I do which is least likely to result in my death (unlike randomly taking or not taking medications, abusing drugs and alcohol, etc.). The very first week, I bought an electric piano, various guitar accessories (pedals, cords, new strings, new tuner). I’ve been buying books, records, and CDs at a pretty steady rate since then. I’m sure I’ve acquired at least 100 CDs and well over 100 records in that time. I also have a habit of buying the very same albums repeatedly. The first time I can remember doing that was about 15 years ago.

ebayfeedback

The shift in my mental illnesses took place a little over 6 months ago. This is interesting because you can see a pretty big difference if you subtract the last 6 months of Ebay feedback from the last 12 months. 6-12 months ago, I wasn’t ordering all that much. Most of the orders have been since this past August.

amazon

Here, you can see that I order, on average, about 11 times per month from amazon. Those orders can (and usually do) include multiple items.

Thinking back to about 15 years ago, I can remember being extremely stressed out from work and taking the train to the mall after a night shift. I was working night shifts for a few years and decided it’d be a good idea to just sleep every second day. My days were 48 hours long. That really screws up your sense of time. I was never tired, though. I would sometimes get upset and go to the mall and buy stupid shit I didn’t need. I also bought a lot of books and CDs, but I consider those justifiable purchases. I just bought way too many of them.

In more recent years, it’s become more of an online thing. The spending part is enjoyable, but so is getting things in the mail and then having the things. I suppose you could make some accusation of attempting to fill a void in myself with material items. I enjoy categorizing things, putting CDs/records in chronological or alphabetical order (I switch it up now and then, just for something to do), and searching for items that are rare and hard to find. I also justified some of the spending by telling myself that I had quit therapy, and that freed up some cash money. Buying things, however pointless that may seem, still seemed like a more positive experience to me than therapy, anyway. I don’t blame my past therapists; I think a lot of it’s my fault. I just am not willing to talk about myself in person, to anyone (unless it’s a humorous story or something). If a therapist pushes me, I will quit going right away. If they don’t push me, I just won’t get anything from going there, and that will eventually cause me to stop going.