Mental illnesses report:
My last post got me thinking about marginally-related things. I had a “best friend,” OC people will know who I mean, who constantly put me down and insulted me since the early 90s. But I didn’t tell her to piss off until 2011 because I always figured if I got rid of her, I wouldn’t be able to make new friends. And I suppose I made a couple, but not many I have been very close to.
Regarding boyfriends, there was the guy I met in the mental hospital when I was in high school, but, in addition to the fact that, the more I got to know him, the less I liked him, and that I only saw him a couple times a year, and that he was an alcoholic, he was cheating on me the entire time. In fact, I was so aware of this I’m hesitant to call it “cheating,” more like an unspoken open relationship, but only open on one side. But I stayed with him for several years because (as a parallel to the “best friend” situation) I figured if I got rid of him, I’d never find another boyfriend. [And I was right.] He occasionally re-friends me on Facebook and then unfriends me if I don’t reply to his messages immediately. One time his wife started sending me nasty messages, apparently thinking I was the one who friended him.
Eventually though, I figured that if I didn’t have a bf/gf and didn’t have friends, I could deal with that, and that it would be better than having the BF and [some of] the friends I had. There were times back then that I wished I had people to talk to about things but then I started writing a journal again and that helped and I more or less got over the emotional need to have other people around and to talk to people (most of the time when I tried to talk to people about anything emotionally-related in the past, I felt ignored or was quite blatantly ignored anyway, so talking to people never seemed to help). I got new hobbies, exercised compulsively, learned some new languages, etc. And I suppose some people have offered to listen, but I think I am so emotionally closed off that I am unable to have a dialogue about myself, I can only make posts which are written as a monologue. Possibly also why I’ve never really been able to open up to therapists; they are another person in the room who might potentially say something and that scares the shit out of me and I go mute.
Eventually I was on enough medication that my emotional state was completely numbed to the extent that nothing bothered me, so it was quite traumatic for me when that numbness disappeared recently and I am still working through that. Posting on FB helps. If my posts bother you, though, I ask that you unfriend me rather than just hiding my posts from your timeline (assuming anyone who wants to hide my posts from their timeline would actually be reading this, of course). I really don’t mind it when people unfriend me here. I think it is possible that, with a change of medication or a reduction of medication, my problematic emotional states will resolve or become more stable. In the meantime, I will probably continue the posts because, as stated before, this helps me to organize my thoughts.