I’m having problems with overspending again

I bought way too many records, sheet music books, other books, etc. on ebay and amazon this week. I’m having problems with impulse control. Granted, these are all things I would’ve wanted to buy anyway, but it would be better to buy things in moderation rather than, say, spending hundreds of dollars on just records in a single week.
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A couple weeks ago I swore up and down that I wasn’t even going to buy that picture disc (released on Record Store day), but then I found it for a bit cheaper. I also bought other Record Store Day re-releases.
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I’ve spent more than $100 this week just on books related to David Bowie, and I’ve also gotten other books and a buttload of CDs. [*headdesk*]

In addition to all that, I’ve been drinking too much and I often start crying for no good reason. I’ve been having a terrible time sleeping, too.

I reactivated my Facebook

Woohoo. Additionally, I don’t like the inability to use HTML (or, in the case of forums, BBCode) because that makes it difficult to have any control over the way you refer to things outside of Facebook. But that’s neither here nor there. I think a good way to go would be just to unsubscribe from all the humans and only see stuff from groups. I’d like FB if it was just, say, the 60s/70s vintage advertisement group and the David Bowie group (which migrated from an actual website). It’s the real people posting random, unpredictable stuff that I don’t like. I like to see things posted in categories, and this doesn’t happen on Facebook.

I have been trying to move to other places on the internet. It’s nice to interact with people sometimes, but it’s too difficult for me to do that on Facebook. Anytime I try, usually by commenting on people’s posts, I am ignored. This often leads to me deleting the person because I don’t see any point in being FB “friends” with people who completely refuse to talk to me.

I also enjoy that forums, in addition to usually being based on a specific topic, feel less like a popularity contest. There are usually fewer people posting photos of themselves, fishing for compliments, etc. (Posting photos of myself is extremely terrifying for me, and bad for my self-esteem. Another reason I don’t leave the house is because people often think it’s ok to just take/post photos without asking me.)

This has been a terrible month for a number of reasons. I seem to have forgotten that it’s not necessary to be drunk or otherwise intoxicated every day. There is just sort of a cloud of despair that follows me around. I’ve been having anxiety-type nightmares. Yesterday I dreamed I was just standing in the kitchen, screaming as loud as I could. Not out of fear, just from being fed up with life and everything in it.

Manic episode and I stopped seeing my therapist

I decided to stop seeing my therapist as of yesterday. I went last Thursday, I had been going every three weeks since I got the current insurance, and every week before that (I was on Medicaid). I am tremendously bad at talking about myself. If indeed I have any issues which could be helped by therapy (and things like personality disorders can’t be treated), I am unable to talk about them to my therapist or anyone else. In fact, it weirds me out when people say to me “you can talk to me.” No, I can’t. And if I could, I doubt it would make me feel better.

That being said, I am in the most manic of manic phases right now. Can’t eat, can’t sleep. Have developed a borderline-psychotic obsession with Elton John and listen to him about 20 hours a day (this happened about 15 years ago with David Bowie). I was reading Oliver Sacks’ book “musicophilia” and a lot of that makes sense to me, the idea of drugs (and/or imbalances in neurotransmitters, mental illness, etc.) causing either obsession with or aversion to music. I couldn’t listen to any music at all for about 6 months there, which was upsetting because I was trying to do another issue of my [black metal] zine. I couldn’t review albums, I couldn’t do interviews with bands because I didn’t give a fuck about them and I can’t fake it. If I don’t care about the bands I’m interviewing it’s gonna come through in my interview questions. Last psychotic obsession I had was not music though, it was Star Trek, which I hadn’t watched in 15 years or so, and I actually went through and watched every episode of every Star Trek series except Voyager, which bored me so much I made it halfway through that show. I have been being quite productive though, so there’s that. It’s also likely that, if this keeps up, I will manage to lose the weight I gained from the prednisone. This could also help my BDD. I haven’t been able to look in a mirror for years really and I don’t allow people to take my photo.

I’m also pretty sure my typing speed has goddamn near doubled.

That being said, at least one of my [past] therapists had doubts about my bipolar diagnosis because my manic episodes lasted so long (years, in some cases) so it could just be sort of intermittent mania. The depression could just be explained by prednisone, but it has been pretty crushing. The skin condition (especially the pain from it), among other things, has made me contemplate ending my own life on numerous occasions. I’m at pretty much the opposite end of that spectrum right now. If I had more money, or less debt, life would be good.

I never manage to leave the house, though. I think the only reason I used to was because I was in college and/or had roommates who would tell me to go places with them. Left to my own devices, I’m pretty much an island, socially. I hang out here and talk to a few people on facebook but I have no desire for any type of real life interaction with humans. I take walks with the dogs at night, and go to the store if I need something, and that’s about it.

But going back to the topic of aversions, I find I can’t watch movies anymore either, and I think that’s somehow related to meds or something. I used to watch a film every single day. When I started up my horror movie review website back in 1999, I actually would rent enough movies on VHS that I could review a film every day of the week. Now I just watch true crime shit.

Anyway, that’s the problem with mania. You’re nuts and you don’t want help because being nuts can be enjoyable.

I stopped taking my BP meds a while ago (the steroids cause HBP) so if I end up dying of a heart attack, that’s why. They gave me heart palpitations every time I laid down. Started taking an aspirin in the mornings though. The blood pressure only gets high when the prednisone dose is increased though, like higher than 10mg/day.

ETA: The last time I had a really outstanding manic phase I would spend 6+ hours per day exercising. that was maybe 10 years ago. Exercise just became the most enjoyable thing in the world. I have been doing a lot of pushups and spending time on the exercise bike this week, but not nearly to the same extent.