Overspending, drinking too much, funerals, etc.

Last week was particularly stressful because my grandpa suddenly died of a heart attack, and then the following days were spent on funeral things, being around family, and so on. I went to the viewing at the funeral home but not the church service or cemetery. I did go to my grandma’s house on several days and mostly spent those drinking with my uncles. I was supposed to also go to the bar with everyone at some point, but I only lasted 10 minutes there because I couldn’t deal with all the people and noise. I managed to chug the weakest rum and Coke I’ve ever had in my life while there, though. It must be a corticosteroids thing; I used to go to bars every night in college. I preferred going in the daytime when it was quiet, but I usually went at night when it was full of people and loud (terrible) music. But my anxiety was not having any of that shit and I ended up getting a ride home from one of my uncles.

In the meantime, being more or less away from Facebook hasn’t helped my overspending at all, and I bought a 16-CD Pink Floyd box set to replace all the Pink Floyd CDs I sold for alcohol money ten or so years ago. I did get it used, for $60 less than the amazon.com price, though. I also spent hundreds of dollars on stupid shit while out of town yesterday, after my dermatologist appointment. Also got the 2014 2-LP yellow vinyl remaster of Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which I told myself I wasn’t even interested in but the price of that listing was considerably cheaper than it usually goes for. That seems to be improving slightly, though; I haven’t bought any $800+ musical instruments since summer.

In other news, I have also sometimes had thoughts like “I don’t really feel like drinking/getting high on anything today” and actually followed through with that and remained quite sober, sometimes for more than one consecutive day. There were also times I stopped abusing substances before I got to the point where I couldn’t remember my name or form a complete sentence.

I keep having dreams that I am back in college. These dreams go one of two ways: in the first type, I realize most of the semester has gone by and I have forgotten to attend a certain class the entire semester, and there is a feeling of dread of failing that course. In the other type, I am moving in or moving out, with all the stress that that entails.

Currently finishing off a bottle of rum, however. I figure I am too ambivalent to just go jump in front of a train, so I do things that could potentially kill me sooner or later instead as a form of lazy Russian roulette, and drinking is only one of those things.

On the other hand, though, I am kind of thrilled to not be in the depressed state I was in up until last August. I am sometimes doing things like writing, drawing, painting, contemplating suicide (oops, nevermind that one), and enjoying things. Mostly I enjoy acquiring possessions and getting shitfaced drunk, but that counts as enjoyment. More enjoyment than I had before, certainly.

Another cousin died

I thought it fit here, too, though I mentioned elsewhere that I just lost another relative (cousin) more or less to mental illness; he was on a lot of meds and also self-medicated with alcohol thanks to bipolar disorder. They found him unconscious a couple days ago, just died in the hospital yesterday though. I think his whole family has been fucked up by the death of his brother in ’02 still, I mean, even more so than a death in the family usually seems to fuck people up, which is a lot. The uncle has been severely depressed for a very long time now.

I’m the same as I’ve been. I’m curious as to what my regular doctor will say on Thursday, as well as how much of the truth I will tell her. I imagine my retelling of the past couple months to her will be something like “Yeah, been eating better, stopped drinking soda, lost 40 lbs, exercising more” when the reality of the matter is a bit different and involves starvation, binge drinking, sleep deprivation, and drug abuse. In addition to exercising and not drinking pepsi (unless I need a mixer for rum).

I’ll normalize a bit eventually. Still extremely unstable, and the cousin dying isn’t helping matters, though I haven’t been extremely close to that part of the family because of how far away they’ve lived my entire life.