It also occurs to me that my energy levels have never been in any way related to the type/amount of food I eat, how much I sleep, etc. This week I went a couple days without eating at all (did drink some mango flavored kefir) and spent half the day on the exercise bike to try to get rid of the excess energy. I think I visited my cousin and his wife on Monday and decided I couldn’t sit quietly in the chair in the living room, I had to sit on the floor and visit with the dog so this would hide the fact that I was fidgeting constantly. (In the past I’d spend like 4 hours a day jogging, but I’m too fat and out of shape for that kind of shit right now.)
Anyway, again, I’m ok with losing some weight, which would have happened anyway just from stopping drinking soda, but I’m probably going to be irritated if anyone compliments me on it. Maybe that makes me sound like a dickhead, I don’t know or care. But it’s like 10 or so years ago, when I was pretty fucking thin to begin with, and lost 20 pounds because I had the flu for a week and was half-dead. And what did people say to me? “Oh you look great, did you lose weight?” And I accepted that and said thanks while thinking about punching them in the face, because I don’t think it’s appropriate to compliment someone on being sick,which is what it amounts to. It’s a fat person problem mainly though; no one makes a distinction between healthiness and weight loss.
Been reading up on things. Apparently there are some important distinctions between the symptoms of regular clinical depression and bipolar depression. I no longer doubt my bipolar diagnosis at all. Still coming to terms with the thought that what I have always considered my “personality” is really my manic episodes. But then, I suppose everyone is just a product of their neurochemistry. But many people’s neurochemicals are more stable than mine.