Overspending, drinking too much, funerals, etc.

Last week was particularly stressful because my grandpa suddenly died of a heart attack, and then the following days were spent on funeral things, being around family, and so on. I went to the viewing at the funeral home but not the church service or cemetery. I did go to my grandma’s house on several days and mostly spent those drinking with my uncles. I was supposed to also go to the bar with everyone at some point, but I only lasted 10 minutes there because I couldn’t deal with all the people and noise. I managed to chug the weakest rum and Coke I’ve ever had in my life while there, though. It must be a corticosteroids thing; I used to go to bars every night in college. I preferred going in the daytime when it was quiet, but I usually went at night when it was full of people and loud (terrible) music. But my anxiety was not having any of that shit and I ended up getting a ride home from one of my uncles.

In the meantime, being more or less away from Facebook hasn’t helped my overspending at all, and I bought a 16-CD Pink Floyd box set to replace all the Pink Floyd CDs I sold for alcohol money ten or so years ago. I did get it used, for $60 less than the amazon.com price, though. I also spent hundreds of dollars on stupid shit while out of town yesterday, after my dermatologist appointment. Also got the 2014 2-LP yellow vinyl remaster of Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which I told myself I wasn’t even interested in but the price of that listing was considerably cheaper than it usually goes for. That seems to be improving slightly, though; I haven’t bought any $800+ musical instruments since summer.

In other news, I have also sometimes had thoughts like “I don’t really feel like drinking/getting high on anything today” and actually followed through with that and remained quite sober, sometimes for more than one consecutive day. There were also times I stopped abusing substances before I got to the point where I couldn’t remember my name or form a complete sentence.

I keep having dreams that I am back in college. These dreams go one of two ways: in the first type, I realize most of the semester has gone by and I have forgotten to attend a certain class the entire semester, and there is a feeling of dread of failing that course. In the other type, I am moving in or moving out, with all the stress that that entails.

Currently finishing off a bottle of rum, however. I figure I am too ambivalent to just go jump in front of a train, so I do things that could potentially kill me sooner or later instead as a form of lazy Russian roulette, and drinking is only one of those things.

On the other hand, though, I am kind of thrilled to not be in the depressed state I was in up until last August. I am sometimes doing things like writing, drawing, painting, contemplating suicide (oops, nevermind that one), and enjoying things. Mostly I enjoy acquiring possessions and getting shitfaced drunk, but that counts as enjoyment. More enjoyment than I had before, certainly.

I am abusing drugs and alcohol entirely too much this week.

bipolarFound my last therapist receipt while cleaning out my backpack. Equivalent to bipolar NOS, i suppose. Anyway, just saying the “psychosis” part isn’t really new since I’ve been diagnosed with it for 20-some years. ^_^ I think I function pretty well most of the time, regardless of where my mind is at. All of my websites were created while manic, also.

ETA: I bought TUMS for the calcium, forgetting that I am having trouble with certain tastes. I am having a terrible fucking time trying to chew/swallow two of these things. Should’ve at least gotten peppermint. Ugh.

ETA pt 2: I am abusing drugs and alcohol entirely too much this week.

I spent the past years largely in a sort of depressed brainfog wishing I could be me again; now it seems that I am but “me” isn’t necessary an easy person to be. Dealing with excess energy and lack of desire to eat and sleep. I forced myself to very nearly eat a normal amount and variety of foods yesterday but it wasn’t pleasant, and it was only after spending a couple hours wandering around town in fairly hot weather and feeling like I was going to pass out.

Currently listening to The Beatles for about 12 hours a day, but still listening to a lot of Elton John, too. I get weird like this and it’s like I am attempting to make up for all the time I was unable to listen to/enjoy music while in a depressed state. I tried listening to the Grateful Dead last night and didn’t find them as interesting as they seemed to me a month ago. Likewise, if people suggest music for me to listen to, I am unable to comply due to compulsively listening to either the Beatles or Elton John. Repetitive/obsessive/compulsive behavior is pretty normal for me while manic, but I like to document it so that I can recognize things if they recur. I now feel like I should’ve recognized something was a bit off when I started buying a bunch of Grateful Dead stuff. [shrugs]

I am trying to stay away from the liquor store because I feel like I would attempt to buy half the alcohol in the store and drink myself to death. I was in a somewhat dysphoric frame of mind last night.

It’s not that it’s terrible to not sleep due to tiredness, because I don’t really get tired, but it’s more like it would be kind of nice to just shut my brain off once in a while (drugs don’t seem to work, i know because I’ve tried). On the other hand, this is actually a whole lot better than the depressed state I was in, because I really was not seeing any reason to go on living in the state I was in for the past 7-8 years.

I am taking a short break from Facebook today because if I see one more motherfucker saying how great the pope is, I’m gonna fucking break something. I’m experiencing a massive psychotic hatred of the pope right now.

I had a granola bar today, I’m off to a good start. I have a lot of work to do today.

I got on the scale today and started swearing because I didn’t think it was possible to lose that much weight within a single month. I’ll have a few more granola bars, I think. =/ I mean, I had it to lose, but shouldn’t have been able to do so so quickly.

Then I spent 20 minutes in front of the mirror marveling at the fact I have a lot more white hairs than I seemed to last time I inspected my hair for them.

Manic episode and I stopped seeing my therapist

I decided to stop seeing my therapist as of yesterday. I went last Thursday, I had been going every three weeks since I got the current insurance, and every week before that (I was on Medicaid). I am tremendously bad at talking about myself. If indeed I have any issues which could be helped by therapy (and things like personality disorders can’t be treated), I am unable to talk about them to my therapist or anyone else. In fact, it weirds me out when people say to me “you can talk to me.” No, I can’t. And if I could, I doubt it would make me feel better.

That being said, I am in the most manic of manic phases right now. Can’t eat, can’t sleep. Have developed a borderline-psychotic obsession with Elton John and listen to him about 20 hours a day (this happened about 15 years ago with David Bowie). I was reading Oliver Sacks’ book “musicophilia” and a lot of that makes sense to me, the idea of drugs (and/or imbalances in neurotransmitters, mental illness, etc.) causing either obsession with or aversion to music. I couldn’t listen to any music at all for about 6 months there, which was upsetting because I was trying to do another issue of my [black metal] zine. I couldn’t review albums, I couldn’t do interviews with bands because I didn’t give a fuck about them and I can’t fake it. If I don’t care about the bands I’m interviewing it’s gonna come through in my interview questions. Last psychotic obsession I had was not music though, it was Star Trek, which I hadn’t watched in 15 years or so, and I actually went through and watched every episode of every Star Trek series except Voyager, which bored me so much I made it halfway through that show. I have been being quite productive though, so there’s that. It’s also likely that, if this keeps up, I will manage to lose the weight I gained from the prednisone. This could also help my BDD. I haven’t been able to look in a mirror for years really and I don’t allow people to take my photo.

I’m also pretty sure my typing speed has goddamn near doubled.

That being said, at least one of my [past] therapists had doubts about my bipolar diagnosis because my manic episodes lasted so long (years, in some cases) so it could just be sort of intermittent mania. The depression could just be explained by prednisone, but it has been pretty crushing. The skin condition (especially the pain from it), among other things, has made me contemplate ending my own life on numerous occasions. I’m at pretty much the opposite end of that spectrum right now. If I had more money, or less debt, life would be good.

I never manage to leave the house, though. I think the only reason I used to was because I was in college and/or had roommates who would tell me to go places with them. Left to my own devices, I’m pretty much an island, socially. I hang out here and talk to a few people on facebook but I have no desire for any type of real life interaction with humans. I take walks with the dogs at night, and go to the store if I need something, and that’s about it.

But going back to the topic of aversions, I find I can’t watch movies anymore either, and I think that’s somehow related to meds or something. I used to watch a film every single day. When I started up my horror movie review website back in 1999, I actually would rent enough movies on VHS that I could review a film every day of the week. Now I just watch true crime shit.

Anyway, that’s the problem with mania. You’re nuts and you don’t want help because being nuts can be enjoyable.

I stopped taking my BP meds a while ago (the steroids cause HBP) so if I end up dying of a heart attack, that’s why. They gave me heart palpitations every time I laid down. Started taking an aspirin in the mornings though. The blood pressure only gets high when the prednisone dose is increased though, like higher than 10mg/day.

ETA: The last time I had a really outstanding manic phase I would spend 6+ hours per day exercising. that was maybe 10 years ago. Exercise just became the most enjoyable thing in the world. I have been doing a lot of pushups and spending time on the exercise bike this week, but not nearly to the same extent.