Forming relationships with people

I’m just not good with forming relationships with people. I’m just never invited anywhere for anything. And most people celebrate things with their significant other and/or children when they’re adults, and I’ve never been able to initiate romantic relationships and have been single for my entire adult life. I could whine and say it’s because I’m not attractive enough, but there are plenty of people less attractive than me who manage to have relationships, so it must be something else. I’ve never really been able to figure it out. I don’t think it’s a matter of me needing to lower my standards, either, because I don’t think my standards were ever all that high to begin with, it’s just that the people I am attracted to are never attracted to me.

As a kid, I always said I didn’t want to ever have children, but then, I also never had the opportunity to do so.

So no, it’s not on purpose, it’s just that I haven’t yet figured out how to form relationships (romantic or friendship) with people.

Left the house today

Managed to leave the house socially for the first time in .. I dunno… maybe the first time this entire year. It was really nice to hang out with two friends I’ve known since high school or earlier, they are now dating each other and have moved into a new house. We talked a lot, drank a lot, smoked an entire pack of Marlboros in >12 hours (I only smoke blu e-cigs and not real cigs anymore, so that is uncharacteristic). I thought my bad habits were finally catching up to me a while ago, tired and shaky and headache, but then I realized it was just low blood sugar and could be correctly easily with a bit of candy or sugary beverages.

Because discussion of mental illness tends to eventually lead to discussion of sex, the one asked me to clarify what my sexual orientation actually is. I think the only constant is that while in a depressive episode, I don’t think I have one; and while manic, it changes every five minutes and I’m not sure it’s actually relevant anyways since various issues prevent me from actually acting on it. I answered the question anyway, because it’s easy to understand why people might have no idea and/or be confused about what my orientation might be. They kept offering food despite the fact I had been telling them I’m having huge troubles eating most food. I ended up eating a bit of garlic bread.

Other than that, I have not taken any recreational drugs at all today. Whoo. I also ate a whole grilled chicken breast and half a yogurt today.

Rambling about various topics

Was just at my grandparents’ house drinking rum with my uncle. Everyone was talking about incidence of mental illness in our family. The uncle lived with the cousin with bipolar that just died a few days ago a long time ago in New York City.

Feel bad about drinking half the bottle of captain morgan’s but hell, weak fucking alcohol… I am used to Bacardi 151… Their fault for buying weak ass alcohol…

It is true that one can make friends on the internet, and there are people I consider my friends.

But what I mean is that I don’t feel that I have any type of support network, or if I was upset about something, there is no one in particular I would go to to talk about it, either online or off. (Even if people say I could, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so most of the time, or it’s hard to catch people online in a mood where talking to them would work) And if what I want would be friends to hang out with, or if I’m upset about having been single for a few thousand years, I don’t think the internet is going to help me there.

Mostly I use the internet for talking to people about biotechnology and music, or debating about abortion or religion. I don’t consider any of that the equivalent of having people to talk to one on one. So I mostly either talk online about politics, or write some crazy rants the same way I’d write in a diary if I still wrote stuff on paper without any expectations of people caring or even responding in a meaningful way most of the time.

Now the dermatologist increased both my prednisone and my cellcept dosages. The prednisone makes the mania worse. The cellcept makes my insomnia worse, and insomnia makes the mania worse.

I’m not sure if these things affect me more than many other people, or if doctors just have little experience dealing with bipolar people on corticosteroids, or if it’s just a communication issue, namely, I don’t make it clear to them how fucking nuts I get when I am on large amounts of steroids. But then, would it matter anyway? I apparently need to be on them.

I had been doing well enough, but being sick and on a lot of meds trying to deal with the coughing and congestion hasn’t helped. I am glad the holidays are over. This is the first year I can recall that I not only didn’t receive any presents (other than from my mom and 1 cousin) and also didn’t receive any cards, emails, texts, phone calls, etc. That usually doesn’t bother me much but I have been unstable as of late. I do usually deactivate my Facebook around my birthday so no one reminds me of my birthday, but then it messes up the groups I’m an admin of.

The one student loan place is sending me mails about my forbearance being denied. Insurance copays have doubled. Worried about financial things a lot. I need to reschedule my dermatologist appointment because my mom won’t drive in the snow and there is no way I can get there this month. I do miss that about Pittsburgh; being able to take the trolley or bus wherever and not have to rely on other people. I once bought a big fucking desktop computer in Pittsburgh and carried it onto the trolley and then up the hill to the apartment. Good times. I worry about whether or not I will be able to pass a driving exam, and even if I do, I won’t be able to afford a car and I doubt anyone would lend me theirs for any reason.

Mostly I just don’t really feel like part of humanity though, I think. My therapist said something about depersonalization when I still went to him. I think things like birthdays and holidays only serve to reinforce that feeling.