Forum discussion concerning manic episode

(This is a conversation on a forum)

Keep in mind we are not so unique as we think or wish. Specialists can help you because what you have thousands of people have too (with smooth variations).

The problem with the therapists and psychiatrists I have seen is that there is apparently nothing in the medical literature that fits me. I may have mostly focused on the bipolar here, but it is combined with the psychological symptoms of long-term corticosteroid use and a possible personality disorder. They’ve tried various meds over the years and basically told me they don’t know WTF else to do. Also, to see a new psychiatrist around here, there is a waiting list of about a year or more. I’m not willing to wait a year. Also, I decided I just can’t afford any more specialists. I have a lot of health problems, I go to a lot of specialists.

If I have to guess, I would say you need psychologists and psychiatrist as well, you probably have some “physical” problem (or real problem if you prefer)

I’m pretty sure bipolar disorder is a real physical problem, but I know what you mean. I am on a lot of very powerful drugs for my skin and my hormonal problems. These are being taken care of by appropriate specialists.

But again, I largely enjoyed the time I spent going to the therapist. I saw the same one for almost 2 years, I think. I learned many new things. And we talked about mania quite a bit, and he acknowledged and accepted the fact that many manic people do not want and will actively reject treatment. I am one such person. He knew that.

You may be reading back too far in my posts, my acute mania only lasted a few days. I am quite functional now and able to eat food. The food was my only main concern. I don’t even need to be functional around people because I am rarely around people. But if I were around people, I would be quite ok.

Thinking back, I have only have two states, and this is the state in which I am able to function better. It’s kind of a “lust for life” rather than a “lust for death” kind of thing.

May I say one thing is working form me: get out of myself more times: think about other people, trying to help and be useful.

Yeah, that’s what I do while manic: I am nice to people, I help people, people enjoy being around me (opposite is true while depressed). As far as I am concerned, especially now that I am eating again, I am ok, I am functional, I am motivated, etc. That is, I am close to “well” as I have ever been or probably ever will be.

I don’t want a solution. I feel fucking fantastic.

Nah, I’m eating now. I’m not hungry, but I do force myself to eat a few bites of things here and there.

In my opinion, the problem is not how I am now, it’s how I was for the past 8 years.

I’m extremely resistant to treatment while manic

I’m extremely resistant to treatment and/or any suggestions on ways to regulate myself while manic. I enjoy it too much to want to do anything about it. I am so resistant that I left a message on my therapist’s voicemail saying I was never coming back, lol. Nah, none of the meds have done anything for me except give me a rash and/or diarrhea, talk therapy doesn’t do anything for me because I tend to resist talking about myself while there.

I find it helpful to write about here and elsewhere though. I mean to say, I feel better if I am able to express what’s going on with me and attempt to organize my thoughts. I also feel, even though I don’t think I would benefit much from further therapy at this time, that I have benefited from therapy somewhat in the past, if only in getting diagnoses and being able to research these things further.

Well, I spoke too soon. Stomach is still a bit picky. I went to my grandparents and they gave me a “hard root beer” which is like hard lemonade, but root beer. Then their neighbor came over with chocolate chip cookies and I ate one. Rushed home, spent quite some time in the bathroom feeling like I was dying.

Before that I was in a good mood though, and bouncing around the grandparents’ house cleaning and getting stuff for them.

I did also manage to stop at the dollar store, where I got more Gatorade and Powerade. and a cute little dancing skeleton.

I have too much energy and too many thoughts going through my head

Feeling more stable in the sense of not suffering from psychosis at the moment. Still having a terrible time with [financial] impulse control. I need to stay away from ebay and amazon. I went there with the intention of selling shit, actually, but the opposite of that happened. Nothing as bad as last week though.

Still, I am really not stable when compared with other people and that is probably why I am a hermit.Still a vague feeling that the past several years of being sick and having a lot of meds going through me has ruined my life, but on the other hand, due to not being depressed any more, I have an uncharacteristic sense of optimism and hope for the future, but still no real direction in life.

I don’t get sick when I eat anymore, but apparently the mania is still causing appetite suppression. Walked all over town yesterday and all the muscles in my body have ached ever since, probably because I’ve barely eaten in 2 weeks. I had some bacon yesterday. Food just isn’t appealing though. My blood sugar has been low as fuck because of forgetting to eat all the time, which doesn’t help my life at all, either. I just keep throwing food away because it keeps going bad because I am not eating it.

I have some pickled yellow beans I canned last year, might open those. I have some more fruit punch flavor Powerade here, also.

The other problem is I have too much energy and too many thoughts going through my head, and because of that, it’s just all chaos and I’m not actually being productive unless I am working on translations. I’ve been meaning to finish paintings and things but I just get distracted and decide to go rearrange the stuff in the kitchen cupboards or something like that.

“Have you lost weight?”

It also occurs to me that my energy levels have never been in any way related to the type/amount of food I eat, how much I sleep, etc. This week I went a couple days without eating at all (did drink some mango flavored kefir) and spent half the day on the exercise bike to try to get rid of the excess energy. I think I visited my cousin and his wife on Monday and decided I couldn’t sit quietly in the chair in the living room, I had to sit on the floor and visit with the dog so this would hide the fact that I was fidgeting constantly. (In the past I’d spend like 4 hours a day jogging, but I’m too fat and out of shape for that kind of shit right now.)

Anyway, again, I’m ok with losing some weight, which would have happened anyway just from stopping drinking soda, but I’m probably going to be irritated if anyone compliments me on it. Maybe that makes me sound like a dickhead, I don’t know or care. But it’s like 10 or so years ago, when I was pretty fucking thin to begin with, and lost 20 pounds because I had the flu for a week and was half-dead. And what did people say to me? “Oh you look great, did you lose weight?” And I accepted that and said thanks while thinking about punching them in the face, because I don’t think it’s appropriate to compliment someone on being sick,which is what it amounts to. It’s a fat person problem mainly though; no one makes a distinction between healthiness and weight loss.

Been reading up on things. Apparently there are some important distinctions between the symptoms of regular clinical depression and bipolar depression. I no longer doubt my bipolar diagnosis at all. Still coming to terms with the thought that what I have always considered my “personality” is really my manic episodes. But then, I suppose everyone is just a product of their neurochemistry. But many people’s neurochemicals are more stable than mine.

Rambling about various topics

Was just at my grandparents’ house drinking rum with my uncle. Everyone was talking about incidence of mental illness in our family. The uncle lived with the cousin with bipolar that just died a few days ago a long time ago in New York City.

Feel bad about drinking half the bottle of captain morgan’s but hell, weak fucking alcohol… I am used to Bacardi 151… Their fault for buying weak ass alcohol…

It is true that one can make friends on the internet, and there are people I consider my friends.

But what I mean is that I don’t feel that I have any type of support network, or if I was upset about something, there is no one in particular I would go to to talk about it, either online or off. (Even if people say I could, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so most of the time, or it’s hard to catch people online in a mood where talking to them would work) And if what I want would be friends to hang out with, or if I’m upset about having been single for a few thousand years, I don’t think the internet is going to help me there.

Mostly I use the internet for talking to people about biotechnology and music, or debating about abortion or religion. I don’t consider any of that the equivalent of having people to talk to one on one. So I mostly either talk online about politics, or write some crazy rants the same way I’d write in a diary if I still wrote stuff on paper without any expectations of people caring or even responding in a meaningful way most of the time.

Now the dermatologist increased both my prednisone and my cellcept dosages. The prednisone makes the mania worse. The cellcept makes my insomnia worse, and insomnia makes the mania worse.

I’m not sure if these things affect me more than many other people, or if doctors just have little experience dealing with bipolar people on corticosteroids, or if it’s just a communication issue, namely, I don’t make it clear to them how fucking nuts I get when I am on large amounts of steroids. But then, would it matter anyway? I apparently need to be on them.

I had been doing well enough, but being sick and on a lot of meds trying to deal with the coughing and congestion hasn’t helped. I am glad the holidays are over. This is the first year I can recall that I not only didn’t receive any presents (other than from my mom and 1 cousin) and also didn’t receive any cards, emails, texts, phone calls, etc. That usually doesn’t bother me much but I have been unstable as of late. I do usually deactivate my Facebook around my birthday so no one reminds me of my birthday, but then it messes up the groups I’m an admin of.

The one student loan place is sending me mails about my forbearance being denied. Insurance copays have doubled. Worried about financial things a lot. I need to reschedule my dermatologist appointment because my mom won’t drive in the snow and there is no way I can get there this month. I do miss that about Pittsburgh; being able to take the trolley or bus wherever and not have to rely on other people. I once bought a big fucking desktop computer in Pittsburgh and carried it onto the trolley and then up the hill to the apartment. Good times. I worry about whether or not I will be able to pass a driving exam, and even if I do, I won’t be able to afford a car and I doubt anyone would lend me theirs for any reason.

Mostly I just don’t really feel like part of humanity though, I think. My therapist said something about depersonalization when I still went to him. I think things like birthdays and holidays only serve to reinforce that feeling.