8/24/16: Overspending on CDs, rambling about Werner Herzog

Doing away with my personal Facebook account has been great. I feel like I’ve eliminated a lot of chaos, bullshit, and hostility from my life. I probably spent too much money this week, but I also made a lot more money last week, so it all balances out in the end.

I ended up getting a box set of Metallica’s entire discography. I’m not sure I’ll ever even listen to any of the stuff that came after Load, but it was cheap and used and maybe I’ve finally forgiven them for disappointing me in 1995 (by releasing Load). I also got 3 more Scott Walker CDs, including the one he did with Sunn O))), which I haven’t heard but it seemed like a good idea at the time. (Still waiting for those to come in the mail.) I got 3 of The Stooges’ albums, too, because I only have their stuff on vinyl. Some of it was really cheap new on Amazon. And a 5-CD Roxy Music set. I have mixed feelings about Roxy Music, but it was cheap, too. I think that’s it.

On the one hand, it’s overspending; on the other, some of it’s replacing stuff I used to have an sold, like some of the Scott Walker and Stooges stuff. I got a used 6-DVD box set of Werner Herzog films also. There are several of those, I think there are 2 with documentaries, then there is one of films with Klaus Kinski (this is the one I bought) and another 6-DVD set of non-Kinski Herzog films.

It took me forever to get around to watching Grizzly Man, I don’t know why. I’m not sure I’d watch some of his documentaries again. I loved the On Death Row series and Into the Abyss was decent, too. I’ve been trying to talk other people into watching From One Moment to the Next every time people mention texting and driving. It’s on YouTube, last I checked, and it’s terribly grim. I was really high when I first watched On Death Row (there are 4 episodes) and I probably like it better due to sympathizing with Herzog’s views on capital punishment.

Anyway, not much going on here. Buying things, watching movies, listening to music, mostly.

Positivity

People tend to say to focus on positive things, but this is problematic when you can’t come up with any positive things to focus on. Everything is completely fucked up. I am legitimately struggling to find anything positive to focus on. In addition to that, I do also have the feeling that negative emotions are normal in response to negative circumstances, and I don’t think denial is necessarily a good thing, either.

I kind of feel like my personality and self-awareness were completely out to lunch for several years there. There was nothing other than denial/lack of awareness. That wasn’t good either, but there was no sense of struggling.

Getting out of the house doesn’t help; it just further fucks up my sense of time and keeps me from doing the things I need to do, like dealing with health problems and making money. It causes me great anxiety and stress. My sense of time is still quite abnormal and I have trouble getting even a few useful things done in a day. I force myself to do things now, like drawing and attempting to get a somewhat decent portfolio put together. I make myself play piano/guitar/violin to focus on something and to pass some of the time in a somewhat meaningful way. On occasion, I drink too much and spend too much money. I think I’ve bought 3 DVDs, a few records, and about 20 CDs this week.

I am not seeing anything getting better in the future, and that fucks me up a bit, I guess.

I’m having problems with overspending again

I bought way too many records, sheet music books, other books, etc. on ebay and amazon this week. I’m having problems with impulse control. Granted, these are all things I would’ve wanted to buy anyway, but it would be better to buy things in moderation rather than, say, spending hundreds of dollars on just records in a single week.
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A couple weeks ago I swore up and down that I wasn’t even going to buy that picture disc (released on Record Store day), but then I found it for a bit cheaper. I also bought other Record Store Day re-releases.
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I’ve spent more than $100 this week just on books related to David Bowie, and I’ve also gotten other books and a buttload of CDs. [*headdesk*]

In addition to all that, I’ve been drinking too much and I often start crying for no good reason. I’ve been having a terrible time sleeping, too.

Rambling about various topics

Was just at my grandparents’ house drinking rum with my uncle. Everyone was talking about incidence of mental illness in our family. The uncle lived with the cousin with bipolar that just died a few days ago a long time ago in New York City.

Feel bad about drinking half the bottle of captain morgan’s but hell, weak fucking alcohol… I am used to Bacardi 151… Their fault for buying weak ass alcohol…

It is true that one can make friends on the internet, and there are people I consider my friends.

But what I mean is that I don’t feel that I have any type of support network, or if I was upset about something, there is no one in particular I would go to to talk about it, either online or off. (Even if people say I could, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so most of the time, or it’s hard to catch people online in a mood where talking to them would work) And if what I want would be friends to hang out with, or if I’m upset about having been single for a few thousand years, I don’t think the internet is going to help me there.

Mostly I use the internet for talking to people about biotechnology and music, or debating about abortion or religion. I don’t consider any of that the equivalent of having people to talk to one on one. So I mostly either talk online about politics, or write some crazy rants the same way I’d write in a diary if I still wrote stuff on paper without any expectations of people caring or even responding in a meaningful way most of the time.

Now the dermatologist increased both my prednisone and my cellcept dosages. The prednisone makes the mania worse. The cellcept makes my insomnia worse, and insomnia makes the mania worse.

I’m not sure if these things affect me more than many other people, or if doctors just have little experience dealing with bipolar people on corticosteroids, or if it’s just a communication issue, namely, I don’t make it clear to them how fucking nuts I get when I am on large amounts of steroids. But then, would it matter anyway? I apparently need to be on them.

I had been doing well enough, but being sick and on a lot of meds trying to deal with the coughing and congestion hasn’t helped. I am glad the holidays are over. This is the first year I can recall that I not only didn’t receive any presents (other than from my mom and 1 cousin) and also didn’t receive any cards, emails, texts, phone calls, etc. That usually doesn’t bother me much but I have been unstable as of late. I do usually deactivate my Facebook around my birthday so no one reminds me of my birthday, but then it messes up the groups I’m an admin of.

The one student loan place is sending me mails about my forbearance being denied. Insurance copays have doubled. Worried about financial things a lot. I need to reschedule my dermatologist appointment because my mom won’t drive in the snow and there is no way I can get there this month. I do miss that about Pittsburgh; being able to take the trolley or bus wherever and not have to rely on other people. I once bought a big fucking desktop computer in Pittsburgh and carried it onto the trolley and then up the hill to the apartment. Good times. I worry about whether or not I will be able to pass a driving exam, and even if I do, I won’t be able to afford a car and I doubt anyone would lend me theirs for any reason.

Mostly I just don’t really feel like part of humanity though, I think. My therapist said something about depersonalization when I still went to him. I think things like birthdays and holidays only serve to reinforce that feeling.