I decided to stop seeing my therapist as of yesterday. I went last Thursday, I had been going every three weeks since I got the current insurance, and every week before that (I was on Medicaid). I am tremendously bad at talking about myself. If indeed I have any issues which could be helped by therapy (and things like personality disorders can’t be treated), I am unable to talk about them to my therapist or anyone else. In fact, it weirds me out when people say to me “you can talk to me.” No, I can’t. And if I could, I doubt it would make me feel better.
That being said, I am in the most manic of manic phases right now. Can’t eat, can’t sleep. Have developed a borderline-psychotic obsession with Elton John and listen to him about 20 hours a day (this happened about 15 years ago with David Bowie). I was reading Oliver Sacks’ book “musicophilia” and a lot of that makes sense to me, the idea of drugs (and/or imbalances in neurotransmitters, mental illness, etc.) causing either obsession with or aversion to music. I couldn’t listen to any music at all for about 6 months there, which was upsetting because I was trying to do another issue of my [black metal] zine. I couldn’t review albums, I couldn’t do interviews with bands because I didn’t give a fuck about them and I can’t fake it. If I don’t care about the bands I’m interviewing it’s gonna come through in my interview questions. Last psychotic obsession I had was not music though, it was Star Trek, which I hadn’t watched in 15 years or so, and I actually went through and watched every episode of every Star Trek series except Voyager, which bored me so much I made it halfway through that show. I have been being quite productive though, so there’s that. It’s also likely that, if this keeps up, I will manage to lose the weight I gained from the prednisone. This could also help my BDD. I haven’t been able to look in a mirror for years really and I don’t allow people to take my photo.
I’m also pretty sure my typing speed has goddamn near doubled.
That being said, at least one of my [past] therapists had doubts about my bipolar diagnosis because my manic episodes lasted so long (years, in some cases) so it could just be sort of intermittent mania. The depression could just be explained by prednisone, but it has been pretty crushing. The skin condition (especially the pain from it), among other things, has made me contemplate ending my own life on numerous occasions. I’m at pretty much the opposite end of that spectrum right now. If I had more money, or less debt, life would be good.
I never manage to leave the house, though. I think the only reason I used to was because I was in college and/or had roommates who would tell me to go places with them. Left to my own devices, I’m pretty much an island, socially. I hang out here and talk to a few people on facebook but I have no desire for any type of real life interaction with humans. I take walks with the dogs at night, and go to the store if I need something, and that’s about it.
But going back to the topic of aversions, I find I can’t watch movies anymore either, and I think that’s somehow related to meds or something. I used to watch a film every single day. When I started up my horror movie review website back in 1999, I actually would rent enough movies on VHS that I could review a film every day of the week. Now I just watch true crime shit.
Anyway, that’s the problem with mania. You’re nuts and you don’t want help because being nuts can be enjoyable.
I stopped taking my BP meds a while ago (the steroids cause HBP) so if I end up dying of a heart attack, that’s why. They gave me heart palpitations every time I laid down. Started taking an aspirin in the mornings though. The blood pressure only gets high when the prednisone dose is increased though, like higher than 10mg/day.
ETA: The last time I had a really outstanding manic phase I would spend 6+ hours per day exercising. that was maybe 10 years ago. Exercise just became the most enjoyable thing in the world. I have been doing a lot of pushups and spending time on the exercise bike this week, but not nearly to the same extent.