8/24/16: Overspending on CDs, rambling about Werner Herzog

Doing away with my personal Facebook account has been great. I feel like I’ve eliminated a lot of chaos, bullshit, and hostility from my life. I probably spent too much money this week, but I also made a lot more money last week, so it all balances out in the end.

I ended up getting a box set of Metallica’s entire discography. I’m not sure I’ll ever even listen to any of the stuff that came after Load, but it was cheap and used and maybe I’ve finally forgiven them for disappointing me in 1995 (by releasing Load). I also got 3 more Scott Walker CDs, including the one he did with Sunn O))), which I haven’t heard but it seemed like a good idea at the time. (Still waiting for those to come in the mail.) I got 3 of The Stooges’ albums, too, because I only have their stuff on vinyl. Some of it was really cheap new on Amazon. And a 5-CD Roxy Music set. I have mixed feelings about Roxy Music, but it was cheap, too. I think that’s it.

On the one hand, it’s overspending; on the other, some of it’s replacing stuff I used to have an sold, like some of the Scott Walker and Stooges stuff. I got a used 6-DVD box set of Werner Herzog films also. There are several of those, I think there are 2 with documentaries, then there is one of films with Klaus Kinski (this is the one I bought) and another 6-DVD set of non-Kinski Herzog films.

It took me forever to get around to watching Grizzly Man, I don’t know why. I’m not sure I’d watch some of his documentaries again. I loved the On Death Row series and Into the Abyss was decent, too. I’ve been trying to talk other people into watching From One Moment to the Next every time people mention texting and driving. It’s on YouTube, last I checked, and it’s terribly grim. I was really high when I first watched On Death Row (there are 4 episodes) and I probably like it better due to sympathizing with Herzog’s views on capital punishment.

Anyway, not much going on here. Buying things, watching movies, listening to music, mostly.

Positivity

People tend to say to focus on positive things, but this is problematic when you can’t come up with any positive things to focus on. Everything is completely fucked up. I am legitimately struggling to find anything positive to focus on. In addition to that, I do also have the feeling that negative emotions are normal in response to negative circumstances, and I don’t think denial is necessarily a good thing, either.

I kind of feel like my personality and self-awareness were completely out to lunch for several years there. There was nothing other than denial/lack of awareness. That wasn’t good either, but there was no sense of struggling.

Getting out of the house doesn’t help; it just further fucks up my sense of time and keeps me from doing the things I need to do, like dealing with health problems and making money. It causes me great anxiety and stress. My sense of time is still quite abnormal and I have trouble getting even a few useful things done in a day. I force myself to do things now, like drawing and attempting to get a somewhat decent portfolio put together. I make myself play piano/guitar/violin to focus on something and to pass some of the time in a somewhat meaningful way. On occasion, I drink too much and spend too much money. I think I’ve bought 3 DVDs, a few records, and about 20 CDs this week.

I am not seeing anything getting better in the future, and that fucks me up a bit, I guess.

Overspending, drinking too much, funerals, etc.

Last week was particularly stressful because my grandpa suddenly died of a heart attack, and then the following days were spent on funeral things, being around family, and so on. I went to the viewing at the funeral home but not the church service or cemetery. I did go to my grandma’s house on several days and mostly spent those drinking with my uncles. I was supposed to also go to the bar with everyone at some point, but I only lasted 10 minutes there because I couldn’t deal with all the people and noise. I managed to chug the weakest rum and Coke I’ve ever had in my life while there, though. It must be a corticosteroids thing; I used to go to bars every night in college. I preferred going in the daytime when it was quiet, but I usually went at night when it was full of people and loud (terrible) music. But my anxiety was not having any of that shit and I ended up getting a ride home from one of my uncles.

In the meantime, being more or less away from Facebook hasn’t helped my overspending at all, and I bought a 16-CD Pink Floyd box set to replace all the Pink Floyd CDs I sold for alcohol money ten or so years ago. I did get it used, for $60 less than the amazon.com price, though. I also spent hundreds of dollars on stupid shit while out of town yesterday, after my dermatologist appointment. Also got the 2014 2-LP yellow vinyl remaster of Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which I told myself I wasn’t even interested in but the price of that listing was considerably cheaper than it usually goes for. That seems to be improving slightly, though; I haven’t bought any $800+ musical instruments since summer.

In other news, I have also sometimes had thoughts like “I don’t really feel like drinking/getting high on anything today” and actually followed through with that and remained quite sober, sometimes for more than one consecutive day. There were also times I stopped abusing substances before I got to the point where I couldn’t remember my name or form a complete sentence.

I keep having dreams that I am back in college. These dreams go one of two ways: in the first type, I realize most of the semester has gone by and I have forgotten to attend a certain class the entire semester, and there is a feeling of dread of failing that course. In the other type, I am moving in or moving out, with all the stress that that entails.

Currently finishing off a bottle of rum, however. I figure I am too ambivalent to just go jump in front of a train, so I do things that could potentially kill me sooner or later instead as a form of lazy Russian roulette, and drinking is only one of those things.

On the other hand, though, I am kind of thrilled to not be in the depressed state I was in up until last August. I am sometimes doing things like writing, drawing, painting, contemplating suicide (oops, nevermind that one), and enjoying things. Mostly I enjoy acquiring possessions and getting shitfaced drunk, but that counts as enjoyment. More enjoyment than I had before, certainly.

Mania and overspending

While manic, I tend to overspend. I am prone to excesses of many kinds, but I tend to allow the spending most of the time because it’s the one excessive thing I do which is least likely to result in my death (unlike randomly taking or not taking medications, abusing drugs and alcohol, etc.). The very first week, I bought an electric piano, various guitar accessories (pedals, cords, new strings, new tuner). I’ve been buying books, records, and CDs at a pretty steady rate since then. I’m sure I’ve acquired at least 100 CDs and well over 100 records in that time. I also have a habit of buying the very same albums repeatedly. The first time I can remember doing that was about 15 years ago.

ebayfeedback

The shift in my mental illnesses took place a little over 6 months ago. This is interesting because you can see a pretty big difference if you subtract the last 6 months of Ebay feedback from the last 12 months. 6-12 months ago, I wasn’t ordering all that much. Most of the orders have been since this past August.

amazon

Here, you can see that I order, on average, about 11 times per month from amazon. Those orders can (and usually do) include multiple items.

Thinking back to about 15 years ago, I can remember being extremely stressed out from work and taking the train to the mall after a night shift. I was working night shifts for a few years and decided it’d be a good idea to just sleep every second day. My days were 48 hours long. That really screws up your sense of time. I was never tired, though. I would sometimes get upset and go to the mall and buy stupid shit I didn’t need. I also bought a lot of books and CDs, but I consider those justifiable purchases. I just bought way too many of them.

In more recent years, it’s become more of an online thing. The spending part is enjoyable, but so is getting things in the mail and then having the things. I suppose you could make some accusation of attempting to fill a void in myself with material items. I enjoy categorizing things, putting CDs/records in chronological or alphabetical order (I switch it up now and then, just for something to do), and searching for items that are rare and hard to find. I also justified some of the spending by telling myself that I had quit therapy, and that freed up some cash money. Buying things, however pointless that may seem, still seemed like a more positive experience to me than therapy, anyway. I don’t blame my past therapists; I think a lot of it’s my fault. I just am not willing to talk about myself in person, to anyone (unless it’s a humorous story or something). If a therapist pushes me, I will quit going right away. If they don’t push me, I just won’t get anything from going there, and that will eventually cause me to stop going.

Mental illnesses report, Jan 25

It has been several months now since the bad chemicals in my head have changed their configuration. It might be not quite perfect to refer to things as only mania and depression, but that’s the best vocabulary I have at the moment. Sometimes I’m on, sometimes I’m off. I’ve been on nonstop since last August, and it’s beginning to wear on me.
I find it kind of funny, though; I spent the whole time I was depressed wishing I was manic, and now that I am, I’ve actually found myself longing for the depression. I know I don’t really want that, either, though.

This is greatly complicated by the medications I am on. I am convinced that there is little hope of psych drugs stabilizing my moods. I have tried that, and with fucking disastrous results (nearly hospitalized once) and no psychological changes. I don’t like therapy and I don’t feel like it helps me or has ever helped me or ever will. And it was costing me hundreds of dollars a month. I feel like my problem, other than the obvious bipolar disorder, is that it is complicated by the medications (corticosteroids), which exascerbate it and make it sort of unbearable, except for short periods of time when I am falling down drunk or engaging in ebay/amazon “retail therapy” (lol), which is to say, obsessively buying shit and then obsessively organizing and reorganizing the same shit. Books are nice, too. Started writing again and have been drawing more. If I can’t sleep, I have about 50 books of classical sheet music, and I do enjoy just kind of zoning out and playing some Beethoven on the piano. It is almost relaxing.

I could function more or less like a human before the prednisone. With the prednisone, I am barely holding my shit together. The depression sounds nice just because it seems like a very stable, calm, Vulcan-like state, but while depressed, I really I am just completely numb, apathetic, can’t enjoy anything, and am vaguely sick of being alive. While manic, I can be irritable, I can start raging or crying at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all, I alternate between extreme egomania and something like a post-Catholicism super-masochistic martyrdom complex, but I am very productive and when I enjoy shit, I enjoy shit a lot. So there are good and bad points.

I have tried probably dozens of drugs over the years (talking about psych meds here) and nothing ever had any positive impact on me. Most of the time there was no change at all, and if there was, it was something unpleasant like an allergic rash (depakote) or constant diarrhea for months on end (prozac), or the zombie-like state I was in when they had me on anti-psychotics in the late ’90s.

I have given up on being stable. Part of me enjoys being unstable, just not *this* fucking unstable. So I am just hoping I can reduce the corticosteroids, maybe find something else that works, and at least get to the point where, if necessary, I can more or less pass as a human for short periods of time. I’m not there at this point, I’m more like a very volatile walking pharmacy/toxic waste dump.

Another impulse buy

Latest impulse buy: 88-key digital piano. Also pictured: dogs, gigantic fucking box, and my old shitty keyboard in the garbage can outside where it belongs. The reason the box was so big is there is a stand and bench with it, but I can’t be arsed to put those together right now; busy working and trying to make up for the money I spent this week, lol.
piano