Random thoughts on this town and mental illness

I’m still having significant difficulty with eating food. Mostly living on Gatorade. I managed to eat a plum today though. Interested in what will happen when I see my doctor again. I have a dentist appointment next week also, hoping that won’t cost too much because I also need to get a yearly checkup and shots for the dogs. My anxiety is worse than it has been but still manageable. I hate to sound like an anti-psych drug person, but I simply do not want to be on more drugs. I’m already more pharmaceutical than human, last I checked. I have some cheese. i will eat it later. It’s mostly just that the desire to eat is totally absent.

For the past 8 years or so, I had an incredible fear that, if I ever were to *not* be in a depressive episode again, that is, if I were to either be manic or in some vaguely normal state, that everything I ever refused to deal with would sort of hit me over the head at once. All sorts of denial, repression, and just refusal to think about shit, and that all of this would sort of incapacitate me in some way. I feel like I’ve failed as a human being. But as it is, it sorts of trickles into my consciousness slowly, here and there. Life still seems nightmarish but in a very different way. I sort of went from a tendency toward being apathetic and sober to being very energetic and volatile and that clashes so much with my self-image that I still am unable to integrate into human society in any sort of meaningful way that doesn’t seem nightmarish to me. And it’s probably true to an extent that I avoid people because I don’t like seeing happy, well-adjusted people because that hurts me, and I am not exactly sure how to improve my situation. Also, because I take a stupid amount of pride in attempting to be an island and to withdraw from all human contact.

I am not around people I don’t know. I don’t really have any IRL friends left because depression and medications have caused me to stop talking to them/doing stuff with them to the point where they just don’t talk to me anymore.

So I’d say the solution is for me to calm my tits, get a second job and/or work more, and maybe someday I can afford a car and afford to move out of this shithole town.

When I was still in therapy, I sometimes complained about not having emotions, and I’d say that certain things are objectively shitty in my life and I should feel sad. He told me I shouldn’t complain about NOT feeling bad. I still completely fucking disagree. Feeling awful and going to bed crying every night is 100x better than how I was before. It was just complete emptiness and not caring about anything, not caring if I was alive or dead, and that fucking terrified me because it bore absolutely no resemblance to being alive.

Still having trouble sleeping and eating and spend most of my waking hours (and there a lot of them) struggling in one way or another. And because I have this bottle of 151 I started drinking before 8:00 this morning, which I think counts as an ill-advised attempt at self-medication. But as I said, it’s better than before. At least I feel like I’m alive. I’m sure my old self-discipline will come back to me eventually and I’ll level off a bit.

Mostly it just seems like I am in hell. Part of this hell is of my own making, and the rest is due to circumstances beyond my control. And part of it is I was in such a severe depression for 8 years that I accomplished pretty much nothing at all. I don’t see many good things in my future, certainly not in the near future. Also, fuck my life.

Someone assumed I was depressed and I had to tell him I am not; I am most definitely extremely manic. I’m just not in the mildly psychotic euphoric mania state that I was in when this all began. But as I said, bipolar depression can apparently have a lot of differences from regular depression. Personally anyway, when in a legitimate depressed state, I do not and cannot feel sad, I do not cry, etc.; I’m just very apathetic and rather grim. In a dysphoric manic state (which, so far as I can recall, is the state in which I’ve lived most of my life) everything just seems rather sad and nightmarish, but in kind of a beautiful way. Also obvious signs I’m still manic: still can barely eat or sleep, still have headphones on 20 hours a day, still making idiotic purchases on ebay, crying myself to sleep for no particular reason, obsessively exercising to get rid of excess energy, racing thoughts, and so on.

I have too much energy and too many thoughts going through my head

Feeling more stable in the sense of not suffering from psychosis at the moment. Still having a terrible time with [financial] impulse control. I need to stay away from ebay and amazon. I went there with the intention of selling shit, actually, but the opposite of that happened. Nothing as bad as last week though.

Still, I am really not stable when compared with other people and that is probably why I am a hermit.Still a vague feeling that the past several years of being sick and having a lot of meds going through me has ruined my life, but on the other hand, due to not being depressed any more, I have an uncharacteristic sense of optimism and hope for the future, but still no real direction in life.

I don’t get sick when I eat anymore, but apparently the mania is still causing appetite suppression. Walked all over town yesterday and all the muscles in my body have ached ever since, probably because I’ve barely eaten in 2 weeks. I had some bacon yesterday. Food just isn’t appealing though. My blood sugar has been low as fuck because of forgetting to eat all the time, which doesn’t help my life at all, either. I just keep throwing food away because it keeps going bad because I am not eating it.

I have some pickled yellow beans I canned last year, might open those. I have some more fruit punch flavor Powerade here, also.

The other problem is I have too much energy and too many thoughts going through my head, and because of that, it’s just all chaos and I’m not actually being productive unless I am working on translations. I’ve been meaning to finish paintings and things but I just get distracted and decide to go rearrange the stuff in the kitchen cupboards or something like that.