Positivity

People tend to say to focus on positive things, but this is problematic when you can’t come up with any positive things to focus on. Everything is completely fucked up. I am legitimately struggling to find anything positive to focus on. In addition to that, I do also have the feeling that negative emotions are normal in response to negative circumstances, and I don’t think denial is necessarily a good thing, either.

I kind of feel like my personality and self-awareness were completely out to lunch for several years there. There was nothing other than denial/lack of awareness. That wasn’t good either, but there was no sense of struggling.

Getting out of the house doesn’t help; it just further fucks up my sense of time and keeps me from doing the things I need to do, like dealing with health problems and making money. It causes me great anxiety and stress. My sense of time is still quite abnormal and I have trouble getting even a few useful things done in a day. I force myself to do things now, like drawing and attempting to get a somewhat decent portfolio put together. I make myself play piano/guitar/violin to focus on something and to pass some of the time in a somewhat meaningful way. On occasion, I drink too much and spend too much money. I think I’ve bought 3 DVDs, a few records, and about 20 CDs this week.

I am not seeing anything getting better in the future, and that fucks me up a bit, I guess.

I’m having problems with overspending again

I bought way too many records, sheet music books, other books, etc. on ebay and amazon this week. I’m having problems with impulse control. Granted, these are all things I would’ve wanted to buy anyway, but it would be better to buy things in moderation rather than, say, spending hundreds of dollars on just records in a single week.
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A couple weeks ago I swore up and down that I wasn’t even going to buy that picture disc (released on Record Store day), but then I found it for a bit cheaper. I also bought other Record Store Day re-releases.
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I’ve spent more than $100 this week just on books related to David Bowie, and I’ve also gotten other books and a buttload of CDs. [*headdesk*]

In addition to all that, I’ve been drinking too much and I often start crying for no good reason. I’ve been having a terrible time sleeping, too.

Mania and overspending

While manic, I tend to overspend. I am prone to excesses of many kinds, but I tend to allow the spending most of the time because it’s the one excessive thing I do which is least likely to result in my death (unlike randomly taking or not taking medications, abusing drugs and alcohol, etc.). The very first week, I bought an electric piano, various guitar accessories (pedals, cords, new strings, new tuner). I’ve been buying books, records, and CDs at a pretty steady rate since then. I’m sure I’ve acquired at least 100 CDs and well over 100 records in that time. I also have a habit of buying the very same albums repeatedly. The first time I can remember doing that was about 15 years ago.

ebayfeedback

The shift in my mental illnesses took place a little over 6 months ago. This is interesting because you can see a pretty big difference if you subtract the last 6 months of Ebay feedback from the last 12 months. 6-12 months ago, I wasn’t ordering all that much. Most of the orders have been since this past August.

amazon

Here, you can see that I order, on average, about 11 times per month from amazon. Those orders can (and usually do) include multiple items.

Thinking back to about 15 years ago, I can remember being extremely stressed out from work and taking the train to the mall after a night shift. I was working night shifts for a few years and decided it’d be a good idea to just sleep every second day. My days were 48 hours long. That really screws up your sense of time. I was never tired, though. I would sometimes get upset and go to the mall and buy stupid shit I didn’t need. I also bought a lot of books and CDs, but I consider those justifiable purchases. I just bought way too many of them.

In more recent years, it’s become more of an online thing. The spending part is enjoyable, but so is getting things in the mail and then having the things. I suppose you could make some accusation of attempting to fill a void in myself with material items. I enjoy categorizing things, putting CDs/records in chronological or alphabetical order (I switch it up now and then, just for something to do), and searching for items that are rare and hard to find. I also justified some of the spending by telling myself that I had quit therapy, and that freed up some cash money. Buying things, however pointless that may seem, still seemed like a more positive experience to me than therapy, anyway. I don’t blame my past therapists; I think a lot of it’s my fault. I just am not willing to talk about myself in person, to anyone (unless it’s a humorous story or something). If a therapist pushes me, I will quit going right away. If they don’t push me, I just won’t get anything from going there, and that will eventually cause me to stop going.